Russia is terrorizing the nation with its cyber-hacking. Well, I say bah humbug. Those Russian spies are amateurs compared to the tech-savvy sleuths in my household.
With only one week left until Christmas, our three boys have launched a full-scale CPI. Decoded, that means Christmas Present Investigation. They've hacked into our Amazon account to check for purchases. They've scanned our email for shipment notifications.
They've assembled all the necessary tools for gift inspection without detection: latex gloves (no fingerprints), tweezers for peeling back tape, magnifying glasses to peer through gift wrap, glue to re-attach frayed paper. They may even have secretly affixed GPS trackers to the UPS delivery trucks. I wouldn't put it past them.
The boys' campaign comes after weeks of relentless lobbying for gifts that would bankrupt the household. Gone are the days of asking for simple things like balls, bats and board games under the tree. Our three boys, ages 8, 14 and 16, are into big-ticket items now.
Their wish list is all electronic: drones, exotic gaming systems, remote-control gizmos, and battery-powered hoverboards. If fulfilled, we'd have so much lithium under the tree we'd be at risk of blowing up the house and maybe even the neighborhood.
In earlier years, Diana and I had our own covert tactics to try to outwit the masterminds of the CPI. We used to stash the presents at the store to avoid detection. But now that the boys are old enough to work in the family business, we've lost our secret hiding place.
So, boys, we give up. You win. We can't combat your superior spying skills anymore. We surrender. You want gifts? Talk to the jolly old man at the North Pole.
So you better watch out. You better not pout. You better not cry, I'm telling you why. You better start believing in Santa Claus again. He's the only one I know who's capable of beating you at the espionage game.